Most “I’ll Sit Down with This for Just a Second - Oh Fuck I Haven’t Done Anything All Day - and I Am Living in Filth - and There is a Rooster Outside my House Crowing but No One Owns a Rooster Near Me - This Game is Great”
No stolen assets from Harvest Moon here, but man did it take nearly everything else. Stardew does not perfect any of the techniques of Harvest Moon-- nor does it try very hard to make something new-- but it does them so soundly and endearingly that it just pours itself over you like a pleasant wax. It takes great parts of various mining, crafting and farming games and creates an engaging title with charm and character. The time you spend with each element can vary, and the freedom to create your own burgeoning farm with special skills and its own niche is endless.
Let’s forget the flood of 8/16-bit games recently and try to admire this for what it is. Without real notice, I sunk nearly fifty hours into the thing. It’s also made by one human being. ALSO, you adopt a dog (or cat). That is nearly the first thing you do out of the gate… also, your grandfather dies.
I’m still unsure what this is about. I watched someone play it for about 20 minutes. It’s like Stanley Parable meets the seven layers of hell meets a good flash game from 2004.
Couch Co-op (coop)
Ultimate Chicken Horse
Mario Maker + Saw
If you have some good friends and you want to sit down and play a pleasant game that will bring you all closer together, then find something else. Ultimate CH is fun. For the right reasons. Put a saw blade at the start of the game. Watch your best friend get ground into mincemeat (poultry) as they slide off a platform covered in ice that they themselves placed down. It’s a wild experience to trap yourself in your own ruse then watch round-after-round as everyone runs head first into the same issue. That’s not even the half of it. You can break the game - or at least the round - by placing too many traps in far too critical spots. That’s why, after you have ruined yourselves, and everyone is overly frustrated, and yelling that this is impossible, you get bombs. With bombs, you can choose to blow up the walls that prevent your goals, or you can continue to be a cock.
Click. Click. DOOM. You like metal? You like gore? You like Satanic imagery? Then boy have I got one of the many games of 2016 for you. It is funny that there have been so many Devil worship games as of late-- considering the state of the world. DOOM lets you take out the frustration of your reality with blissful speed, ease and delight.
Having played countless hours of UT2004 in my youth, DOOM was a welcomed harken back to the days of cocaine enlightened childhood gaming. It’s a fun blur of saturated blood and needless gore. It’s barely a game of this generation. But it is THE GAME so far of this generation. Everything DOOM does it does to its pinnacle. It pulls no punches. It holds no bars. It leaves no stone un-punched-in-the-fucking-face and Glory Killed to obliteration.
One of the most worrisome pre-launch games this year. Square Enix has been on rocky road recently, and their decision to splice Hitman into episodic content and not release it as one full game seemed to be digging the game an early grave. But to my surprise and delight I’ve had to eat a sky-full of crow. Hitman’s episodic release structure has allowed the series to be reborn as an ever-changing inventive experience where you can kill Gary Busey. The weapons are endless, from Circumcision Knives to Rubber Ducky Bombs, Agent 47 can use insane instruments at his means to dispose of his targets. But it’s not just the unique weaponry that makes it so fun. There are generally ridiculous ways to murder people. You can shoot a canon at a flying plane and blow it out of the sky. You can push everyone off of everything. You can poison food, then drown a person in the vomit. You can Bug Bomb an atrium. You can pose as a model, walk the run way, set off fireworks and then drop one target’s body from the third floor to the other target on the first floor—killing them both. It is one of the purest stealth games I have played in years. This is not to mention your choice of costumes from Vampire Magician to a Ninja. HITMAN impresses me wall-to-wall. It paints a beautiful, terrible world where anything terrible can happen to anyone if enough money is in play.
Room to Grow
Cummin Up Full
What a vomit-inducting, pleasure-inciting, confusing, gross, fun and wildly disgusting game. Genital Jousting takes all the fun of tag and all the fun of anal play and throws them into a hyper-stylized series of mini games. There’s a race through cacti, there’s a paint the town white (with cum), and a myriad of other head-turning events. Though the part that truly makes this game worth the plug is the Foley; I have never heard such grand sound effects in an indie of this proportion.
Runner Up: Grow Up: Grow Home Again
Hardest Thing Ever Why
As someone who needs constant reinforcement in life to feel successful and happy, I cannot recommend playing Darkest Dungeon more. It is constantly praising you and celebrating your flawless victories. It is also a slog of worthless feelings, disgust, grind, and restarts. Darkest Dungeon is difficult. But it is well made, stylish and brutal. You spend a ton of time grinding or failing on quests, watching in horror as the game forces you to impossibly give up on your troops. While similar games like X-COM at least allow you to save some of your soldiers, DD does not afford the same successes. Each quest I went on someone inevitably went insane, died, or killed the rest of our party and I frustratingly quit the game for a few weeks. It’s terrigreat.
Biggest Beaten Dead Horse
No Man’s Sky
DO NOT GET SO HYPED ABOUT THINGS YOU HAVE NOT TRULY SEEN OR PLAYED. YOU ARE SETTING YOURSELF UP. EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE MARKETED TO ITS FULL EXTENT UNTIL ENOUGH PRE-ORDERS ARE SECURED, AND THEN IT WILL DISAPPEAR. SONY EVEN BEAT THIS HORSE. SONY. WHO ARE THEY TO FUCKING JUDGE AND RUINOUSLY STICK A FINAL NAIL IN THE COFFIN THEY HELPED CREATE? HELLO GAMES?
MORE LIKE GOODBYE GAMES (COPYRIGHT ME).
It is not the worst game ever. It is unfinished. It is glitchy. It is pointless. But it has a few things to say, and to that I say: get this horse some armor for No Man’s Sky 2: Sky’s the Limit.
Yet To Finish But So Far They Good
Deus Ex: Mankind Divided
Final Fantasy XV
The Silent Age